WHY DOES SHE STAY?
One of the most frustrating things for people outside a battering relationship is trying to understand why a woman doesn’t just leave. A woman’s reasons for staying in an abusive relationship are complex. Often there are many aspects to the relationship that do not allow the woman to leave; financial or religious reasons, guilt, family pressure, love… But most often, she is afraid and fears for the safety of herself and her children.
Slapping, hair-pulling, kicking, biting…battered women relate a litany of abuse experienced at the hand of our intimate partners. The results are bruises, broken bones, black eyes, internal injuries, sometimes death. Always there are broken hearts.
Yet, most battered women really do not want to leave their abusive partners. Many of the women who call shelter crisis lines tell the staff and volunteers that they just want the abuse to end. The dream of a fantasy ending…
So why do they stay? When they are beaten by the person who has promised to love and cherish them, what makes them stay for the second and third beating? Many of us would exclaim, “if my partner laid a hand on me, I would be out the door!“
Imagine, for a moment, your own family. Would you really be able to walk out the door? Could you leave your home, neighborhood, family and friends? Where would you go? Could you, your two lively children, plus the dog, stay at your brother’s apartment on his couch for an indefinite period of time? What would his two roommates have to say about that? Could you stay with your parents who live in one of those adults-only condos?
I would not be surprised of the first time it happened you would help your partner rationalize why it happened. Your partner was tired, stressed, angry, drinking, jealous, upset about losing a job or worried about expenses. Any excuse will fill in the blank! YOU made a mistake, YOU came home late, YOU disagreed with your partner, YOU bought lunch at the mall…..Fill in this blank with the reason your partner says YOU caused yourself to be abused.
But abuse is not about reason. It is about power. It is about control of one’s partner. And it works. The physical abuse is only the most obvious. It is reinforced by a whole spectrum of other kinds of abuse. We’ve already mentioned the excuses, the minimizing and blaming, saying it was your fault or it really wasn’t that serious. Abusers isolate their victims and keep them from having friends or family around. They control what their victims do, who they see, what they read and where they go. Abusers abuse a victim’s psyche and emotions by calling them unprintable names, humiliating them, constantly criticizing them.
Abusers are intimidating. One abuser left a single bullet on the kitchen counter! It takes only a look, a threat, to instill fear. Abusers are coercive, threatening to leave, forcing victims to participate in illegal activities. Abusers make sure victims have no money, keep them from getting a job, making them put their check into their account. Abusers treat their partners like servants, acting like “master of the castle,“ making all the important decisions.
Finally, abusers use the children by making victims feel guilty about them, threatening to take the children, threatening to hurt the children, using children to relay messages to their mother.
Abuse works because many of us continue to pretend it does not happen to “good” women. So anyone who is abused must be “bad”! We blame the victim for her own abuse by calling her co-dependent. We expect her to prevent the abuse instead of why the abuser chose to abuse. In short, we collude with the abuser.
Abusers succeed because they are not abusive all the time. In fact, sometimes they are fun and charming. They are almost always charming around other people.
Battered women stay because they are afraid. They are afraid no one will believe the truth. They fear they will lose their children. They are afraid they will have no where to go. They are fearful they will not be able to support the children. They are afraid they will be condemned by their church or family. They are terrified the abuser will hurt our friends or family. Ultimately, they fear they will be killed trying to leave.
Their fears are legitimate. Most battered women, killed by their abusers, have tried to leave. Some die in the process of leaving and many are killed trying to start over. Women who try to leave their partners increase their risk of being murdered by their partner by 75%. The blood of millions of battered women is on the hands of friends and families, social workers, clergy, doctors, police, attorneys, judges and anyone else who failed to believe them, failed to heed their pleas for help.
Maybe we should reverse that question, “why does she stay?“ and ask,
“why does the abuser abuse her?“
